Introducing myself to journalism: Mike Polk Jr.

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Introducing Mike Polk Jr.

(Courtesy of Mike Polk Jr., who attributes this to the Illuminati)

Greetings, all. My name is Mike Polk Jr. I'm a local roustabout and comedic provocateur. The good people at The Plain Dealer have offered me the opportunity to share some thoughts with you every now and again.

I'll be writing a column about nothing in particular. It's kind of wide open, but I plan to primarily focus on whatever is going on around town that seems interesting.

When The Plain Dealer first reached out, I assumed that the day of reckoning had finally arrived and I was being taken to court as a result of my long-overdue subscription bill.

You can imagine my surprise when I was asked if I had any interest in writing a periodic column for this renowned, award-winning paper.

I've always been an avid reader of The Plain Dealer. I pride myself on being one of the rare print subscribers born in post-Coolidge-administration America. But I'll admit that I have occasionally failed to pay my bill in a timely manner.

I won't even try to provide an excuse. The truth is, come bill-paying time if I'm low on funds and somebody has to get shorted, it's going to be The Plain Dealer. Sorry, guys. You can wait. What's the worst-case scenario? You stop sending me a paper. Compare that to what bill collectors for Dominion East Ohio Gas bring to the table.

But I'm part of the team now! And I can just grab a free newspaper whenever I stop into the office.

Speaking of which, the main editor guy has informed me it's really not necessary that I come into the office at all. He says it will be easier for all concerned if I work from home.

I told him that I enjoy the hustle and bustle of a busy office environment. The camaraderie, the free high-speed wi-fi, the poorly secured office supplies. So I've been showing up pretty much every day to learn the ropes.

I've started writing down things that I have learned. I plan to refer to this list often as I grow in my career as a professional journalist.

List of things that I have learned so far:

  • Cinematic portrayals of boisterous, hard-drinking newspaper offices are dated and inaccurate. Apparently, you're no longer allowed to have fun. HR has confiscated my Jaegermeister machine.
  • Editor guy doesn't think it's funny if I barge into his office yelling "Chief! I've got a hot scoop!" when he is in a meeting. Also when not in a meeting.
  • Seems my position as "periodic freelance columnist" does not afford me the use of a college intern. I can no longer utilize Tristan. Shame. Did top-notch job detailing my Hyundai.
  • Still wonder which company I'm actually working for. Cleveland.com? Northeast Ohio Media Group? Advance Ohio? Plain Dealer? Based on loose polling around office, probably The Plain Dealer. But no one is absolutely certain. Many assume some role played by the Illuminati.
  • Editor guy has strict format and delivery guidelines regarding assignments. Made it clear my columns must be written in Microsoft Word and emailed to him in their entirety, not texted to his phone in small fragments throughout the week.
  • Apparently, informing Outback Steakhouse manager you are a writer for The Plain Dealer will not get you a free meal. Disappointing.
  • Man in charge of obituaries has no sense of humor and hates pranks. Long story.
  • Lady in charge of engagement announcements refuses to print fake ones, even if presented with a very competent Photoshop job of me and Selena Gomez appearing to sit under a willow tree together.
  • Stuffy place! The writers don't seem to enjoy office singalongs. Must not get frustrated. Will just keep trying to reach them.

And I still have so much more to learn!

I'm looking forward to taking this journey with all of you, and I'd appreciate your input. Contact me on Twitter (@mikepolkjr) and tell me how you believe I should be squandering this valuable space. Thanks!

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